And it isn’t.

But my experience with life is no different than yours. The rain falls on the righteous and the wicked. The sun shines on criminals, well-wishers, do-gooders and tyrants. The differences between me and you are many. But our differences are not great. We are, mostly, the same. Want to know what I see in you? I see success. I see validity. I see purpose. I don’t see those things in me. But you do. To you I’m likable, generous, big-hearted and blessed. These are the same things I see in you. The strange thing is, where you see likable, I see annoying. When you see generous, I see poor. When you see big-hearted, I see overly-emotional. When you see blessed, I see trapped. So, the problem isn’t the world. The problem isn’t others. The problem isn’t even the problem. The problem is how I perceive it all.

It’s a rather strange thing to decide to lie to yourself. But I’m beginning to realize that really is the only way up. My heart betrays me at times. So I have to test everything it tells me. So be it. That’s just me. If all I believe is delusional, or some sort of illusion, then I suppose there’s no way out. But if the problem isn’t really what I believe, but instead is simply the way that I perceive that belief, then there are practical ways to deal with it. And I’m willing and ready to find them.

If all of this seems a little esoteric, don’t worry. A bit of it is to me as well. But I’m onto something.

- The Archiver

I’ve been co-producing a project. The band’s deadline was coming up, and they needed people to keep the work for the album flowing to get it finished on time. I’ve been “living” that record for about a month now. Long days, and no time or brain left to do much else. It’s good though. I needed the work after the slow season.

The pursuit of making a living has always been at odds with making my own music. Being an artist has typically been a labor of love… especially when I’ve had bands put together. It takes a lot of money to keep bands working. And there’s usually not enough money to go ’round. So being an artist has never really made me any profit. I’m not complaining. I love making music. But it tends to get thrown to the wayside when bills need to be paid and kids need to be fed.

That’s where I’ve been.

It’s awesome that the video jumped to over 800 views in around seven weeks on youtube. But in the last month, I’ve not been able to do any promotion. And I’m the only one promoting. It amazed me that the day I stopped promoting was the day the views stopped. I mean, there’s literally NO BUZZ. Ha! It pains me that my music gets lost in the white noise of the internet. But I’m only one man. And I can do only so much. I’d like for it to be different, but it isn’t. I’ve come to terms with it.

Truthfully, it’s kind of refreshing to just accept it for what it is. It frees me up to do whatever I want to do, whenever I want to do it. There’s not a band anymore. It’s just me. I started working on a new video (using footage from the incredible silent film “Metropolis”) in January. It’s still not finished. I’ll finish it sometime. And when I do, I’ll put it out.

No pressure. And that’s fine with me.

- The Archiver

So, throughout the day today I sent out messages on Twitter, letting people know that anyone who leaves a youtube comment on my new video will receive a free download of my entire video bundle. Then, tonight, around 1am, I again stumbled upon this:

This is not a commentary on the war going on in Iraq (although I have a lot of opinions). But one thing’s for sure: Reporters were killed, kids were injured, and many others were killed too. I am aware that this has to be such a small sliver of what’s happening over there in Iraq. And here I am, promoting my VIDEO???!!!

I know it takes all kinds of people… from all walks of life… at all different times to keep this world a-going, but it’s times like these that I wonder if there’s any point to sharing art at all. This is my knee-jerk reaction to what I’ve just seen. And it’s even more disturbing how long I’ve gone without really pressing into what’s going on over there. I mean, I cognitively think about the war often. But I seldom anymore ponder what the horror of it might be like.

I have a couple of friends who are Marines. I have great respect for them as people; And I truly appreciate their willingness to give their lives for mine. I really mean that. Our troops go through so much over there, it amazes me. And I’ve only heard tiny short stories about it. One of my Marine friends doesn’t even want to talk about it.

My heart also goes out to those who aren’t a part of anything sinister, but are simply caught in the crossfire of war. Especially kids.

When things of this magnitude are happening in our world (and there are a myriad of things to choose from), is a music video important? This is a rhetorical question. I’m a believer in art. It is, undoubtedly, something that makes me tick. But is it the best use of my time? In the wake of seeing this video, I again, don’t know.

A friend once told me that, like Esther, I was made for such a time as this. That may be true. And, I suppose, given the life I have the blessing to lead, perhaps I am supposed to be doing what I’m currently doing. I’ll be honest. It’s a love/hate thing, really. I love to create art. I hate to have to promote it. But, I love to share art, so promote it, I must.

This post is totally stream-of-consciousness, and a little random. Forgive me. Sometimes there are reminders to stop keeping my blinders on. Or, even more important, stop keeping the mirror in front of my own face. The above video was one of those reminders. At the very least, this video made me cherish the things and people I know and love. I am thankful for the life I have. And I intend to love everybody into action with it.

- The Archiver

dys·to·pi·a

Read the article at this link, then come back: a_brave_new_dystopia

This puts into words the general feeling I live in. For better or worse, it characterizes where I’m often at emotionally day-to-day. I’ve come to the point that I don’t necessarily fear it anymore (although that was my first reaction for quite some time a few years ago). Fearing it really gets you nowhere. In fact, it tends to solidify your state of doing nothing. Which, if I’m ever going to combat the fear (or change the situation), I have to rise against. If I don’t, it will leave me wishing, waiting, worrying.

When my eyes were first opened to what is commonly called “conspiracy theory”, I wanted to die. Literally. I wanted to leave this existence. If you delve too deeply into these ideas of world domination by power-hungry zealots, it can simply leave you alone in a bottomless pit of misinformation and doubt of everything. The pendulum swung all the way to one side for me in 2010. Most of last year I was losing my faith in everything. Whether it be people, government, God, or anything else, it all felt tainted and absolutely void of any value. This is the danger of truth that’s scary. And the inherent danger of researching conspiracy theories is the amount of misinformation you come across. And you can’t tell the difference between what is true and what is not. That was most of last year for me.

But, near the end of the year, I began to find some balance. It occurred to me that, certainly, there are some things that I cannot control. There are many things, actually. But some things I can control. And those things had become uncontrolled in many ways. This way of thinking prompted me to make my latest video – Spin The whole point of it is that it begins with me. If I can’t change things wrong in my own life, how can I expect to change things wrong in the world, or help others change things they need to change? So, I’ve made the conscious decision to control that which I can control. Again. For good. I hope.

Anything out of control with you?

- The Archiver

I awoke this morning with a fire in me! It’s amazing. I tend to stew in worry. I’ll complain and complain, but nothing changes, for obvious reasons. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not stupid. I realize that things won’t change unless I do. But, I find it hard to continually pick myself up and keep moving in the face of adversity (or change). Running on empty leaves you empty. But I suppose I got desperate enough today that my mind kicked into overdrive and started thinking at the right level. I’ve been hoping, praying, waiting… and this morning, I’m here.

I feel like I did when I first moved out to Tennessee. Full of hope, welcoming change…It’s funny, because I just released what I consider to be my best work yet, just two days ago. And that was a hard day. I spent most of it trying to figure out how to let people know about the Video Bundle available and put into practice this year’s vision. It felt hard and forced. But, it was what I’d been working on for quite some time. And it was time to execute! Still, I couldn’t fake it. I wanted to enjoy this, not dread it. Well, I’m a couple of days late. But I’m here.

Check it out, people! Go to the store, and buy the bundle. I’ve put my heart and soul into it. I’m trying to start something I believe in, and still take care of my family in the process! It’s not enough to do what it takes to live. It’s only enough to live while doing what it takes.

http://thearchivermusic.com/store/

- The Archiver

Today I found a poem on the list of TIME’s 100 greatest poems of all time. It struck me as so simple. And I liked it. Although, I don’t know why I was drawn to it. Here it is:

This Is Just To Say
by William Carlos Williams
I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox
and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast
Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold

Reading this reminded me of how subjective art is. What makes this poem great? Is it the commonness of the subject matter? After all, we’ve all been on at least one side of the situation that the poem is speaking to. Maybe it’s not great at all. I’m sure some of you think it’s terrible. The important thing, though, is that Williams wrote it down. If William Carlos Williams is like me, he probably couldn’t tell if anything he wrote was actually good (or bad). I’ve seen it many times in artists – Often, we are so close to our work, we can’t see the forest for the trees. We tend to get excited about pieces of work that others take for granted, and take for granted the pieces of work that others are deeply affected by.

The point is, we’ve got to do the thing. If we do nothing, nothing is what we’ll get. So, if you’re feeling tired of pursuing whatever it is you believe in, I want to encourage you to continue moving. And if you’re doing nothing, I encourage you to start. We need each other, in so many ways. And if you’re not contributing, the rest of us are missing out on you, and what you can bring.

Feeling down? Please share about it.

Have an encouraging word for others here? Let us know.

- The Archiver