I was talking to a close friend about the way I tend to see the world. For a person with an upbeat, fun personality, I sure am a “glass-is-half-empty” guy. This has always bothered me. But I don’t know how to change it. When I look back over my life thus far, I see different times where I tried different things to make the change: When I was young, I chalked it up to being a teenager, and thought I’d outgrow it. When I was in my early twenties, I ignored it, and went on like I didn’t feel anything negative inside, hoping that my mind would follow my actions. In my early thirties, I made a huge, life-changing move across the country. That bought me a few years of believing everything was copesetic. Between all of these times were very low times; Months or years of sorrow and withdrawal. Strangely, during all this, I’ve had friends, I’ve built a family, and I’ve pursued dreams. But always, below the surface, there’s been a nagging uneasiness; A sense that everything is not right.
And it isn’t.
But my experience with life is no different than yours. The rain falls on the righteous and the wicked. The sun shines on criminals, well-wishers, do-gooders and tyrants. The differences between me and you are many. But our differences are not great. We are, mostly, the same. Want to know what I see in you? I see success. I see validity. I see purpose. I don’t see those things in me. But you do. To you I’m likable, generous, big-hearted and blessed. These are the same things I see in you. The strange thing is, where you see likable, I see annoying. When you see generous, I see poor. When you see big-hearted, I see overly-emotional. When you see blessed, I see trapped. So, the problem isn’t the world. The problem isn’t others. The problem isn’t even the problem. The problem is how I perceive it all.
It’s a rather strange thing to decide to lie to yourself. But I’m beginning to realize that really is the only way up. My heart betrays me at times. So I have to test everything it tells me. So be it. That’s just me. If all I believe is delusional, or some sort of illusion, then I suppose there’s no way out. But if the problem isn’t really what I believe, but instead is simply the way that I perceive that belief, then there are practical ways to deal with it. And I’m willing and ready to find them.
If all of this seems a little esoteric, don’t worry. A bit of it is to me as well. But I’m onto something.
- The Archiver